By Michael Nickerson
Hang on to your hats and pass the Doritos. There’s a new threat on the horizon; a menace to morale, a danger to discipline, putting the military’s supply of Pringles in peril. This threat has been under intensive study by military planners and experts alike for almost a year now. If you haven’t guessed what I’m talking about, then you’ve had too many special brownies. I’m referring to the demon weed, the wacky tabacky, the reefer madness. Yes, marijuana is soon to be legal in Canada, and even the military isn’t safe.
Now before you spit that mouthful of Twinkies out of your mouth in a fit of giggles and laughter, let me remind you this is serious stuff we’re discussing. You won’t be laughing so hard when a soldier high on hashish and crazed with a case of severe munchies parks a Leopard 2A4 tank in the middle of your local Mini-Mart I can assure you, so pay attention.
Right, so thanks to our pot-puffing prime minister and his cadre of cannabis-addled ministers, Canadians will legally (I say legally!) be able to smoke whatever strain of sensimilla they might fancy come Canada Day. No end of insanity will most assuredly ensue, and the impact on the Canadian Armed Forces may be incalculable.
Thanks to the investigative reporting of CBC News, we now know senior officials are actively investigating this potent peril. As Commander, Military Personnel Command LGen Chuck Lamarre says, “We have to be able to protect the Canadian Armed Forces’ ability to be able to send men and women — at a moment’s notice — to operate in some very, very dangerous and demanding environments.” Being seriously stoned just won’t cut it people.
Lamarre’s worries don’t stop there. “We are concerned about folks who have the challenges of operating heavy equipment, weaponry, who are on call on a regular basis to go and do things, like our [search and rescue] technicians.” Indeed! And before all you acid-smoking hippy freaks start pointing out there isn’t a whole lot of functional equipment for people to be flying, driving, or sailing at the moment, never you mind. It’s coming after the next election, and our military needs to be THC-free before it happens!
But more to the point, there is a serious workplace safety issue to consider here, as many private companies and their senior management are also not just contemplating, but spending sleepless nights hiding under their beds with trepidation. Legions of the stoned arriving at work, getting themselves sucked into conveyor belts, sticking their heads in presses, or raiding the executive snack bar. Horrific when you think about it, but just picture a rifle in their hands and you’ll never sleep again.
Thankfully for current and future members of Canada’s military, workplace safety, physical and/or mental health has always been of primary consideration for the top brass. Be it exposure to toxic chemicals or depleted uranium, sleep deprivation, sexual assault or mental illness, the men and women in uniform have always known someone has had their back.
And make no mistake, Lamarre has the recruits and youth of Canada’s military at the forefront of his mind. He’s concerned “what the impact of marijuana can be on the developing brain.” As he pointed out, “we hire the 18-to-25 age group. We want to be aware of what the impact might be on the well-being of those folks who might be consuming this product.” Now, our military has always been concerned over the developing brain, particularly with its young recruits. To say those young brains have been nothing but precious goes without saying. But gosh, Lamarre is really going above and beyond the call. It warms the heart.
So perhaps this is a bit of hysteria on my part. It’s not all going to pot. The troops are well looked after, equipped, and ready. And we should all rest easy that LGen Lamarre and his team are on top of the important things, looking to keep those crazy changes going on in Canadian society separate from its military. Because there is one thing you never want to happen, and that’s to have the armed forces reflect the society it protects. Crazy talk that is; stoner talk.
This deserves a toast. Unfortunately, all I have is Doritos.